What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shakes a lot? A nervous wreck

Flicking through the pages of  'Vogue', it's hard not to feel shit about life. Images of rake-thin, beautiful women abound, their waif-like frames hanging off impossibly sharp cheekbones. Glossy photos of smug celebrities grace the pages, flaunting their perfect lifestyles. Each turn of the page reveals a tantalising smorgasbord of skirts, shoes, tops and bags, each promising to make your life perfect in exchange for prices of mortgage-sized proportions. As you munch your way through an entire pack of Maryland cookies whilst sporting your favourite fleecy pyjamas, with toothpaste dotted all over the stubborn pocks on your face, it's hard not to feel disheartened and downtrodden.

But what if this doesn't pass as soon as you fling 'Vogue' across the room? What if you wake every morning with an agonising knot in your stomach and a general feeling of dread? What if the simplest tasks leave you gasping for breath, trying to quell the rising panic? What if you spend much of your time blinking back the tears, willing your chin not to wobble? What if everything feels like just ... too ... MUCH? Then, my darling, there is every chance you are suffering from anxiety or depression (or both – hell, in for a penny, in for a pound).

Women in their 20s and 30s are under a huge amount of pressure. The pressure to be thin, perfect and happy is reinforced everyday through the media. We're constantly bombarded with demands on our time and wallets. We're expected to be high-powered career women, yummy mummies, sex kittens and domestic goddesses, all in one go. It's no wonder that sometimes the pressure to be perfect all gets a bit much. Depression, stress and anxiety are at an all-time high among young women, yet most cases go undiagnosed as many girls aren't even aware of the full extent of their stress.

How do I know? Well, I was one of them. I had a stressful job, an embarrassing lack of self-esteem, and a severe case of compulsive perfectionism. I'd get up at 5am each morning to beat the morning rush hour, ignoring the rising fear in my gut. I'd be at my desk by 7am, and would skip every breaktime to keep up with my mounting piles of work. I'd get home by 7pm, cook dinner, burble witlessly at my fiance and pass out by 9pm on the sofa, before rising at 5am the next morning to repeat the process all over again. "Of course I feel like shit," I'd tell myself. "I have a full-time job which stresses me out. It's perfectly normal to dread the dawn of each day." My loved ones desperately tried to suggest that maybe I should slow things down a bit, as I sobbed helplessly at the bottom of my wardrobe because my favourite angora cardigan was nowhere to be found. But still I blithely ploughed on, oblivious to the impending earthquake that was to shake my world.

Shortly after I turned 30, having ignored advice, warnings, pleas and ultimatums, I broke down. Utterly. For 6 long months, I recuperated at home, supported by my wonderful family, a brilliant GP and a superb therapist. I knitted, I walked, I slept ... a lot. I cried endlessly, tears of rage, despair, frustration and utter exhaustion. The black tunnel seemed endless.

But here I am, 3 and a half years on, almost entirely healed with a job, a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter and an amazing new outlook on life. I had to navigate my way through hell to get here, and as I was doing so the one thing I was determined about was that something positive should come of all the mess and tears.  I stubbornly vowed that if I could stop this happening to someone else, then all the shit would have been worth it.

And so, Mad Cow Disease and Me was born. It's a practical guide for helping women in their 20s and 30s to understand and cope with depression and stress. Unlike many self help books, this is written from a real-life perspective, rather than a clinical one. In my entries I hope to help you understand what to expect from your illness and treatment, as well as provide practical advice on how to cope. I'll also be sharing articles, memes, photos and the best that the Web has to offer about mental illness. It's written by a girl who has battled depression and anxiety (and continues to do so), for girls with depression and anxiety, and I send it to you with my love.

Xxx

The nature of anxiety

Your Best Frenemy

We all have that one friend. You know, the one who you've known for years and who persistently 'zings' you with backhanded compliments, questions your life choices and leaves you with a niggling feeling of self-doubt. That one person who is guaranteed to keep pushing your buttons until you can't tolerate it anymore, but for some reason you just can't sever ties with them. They're your frenemy. The thought of confronting them about their behaviour is infinitely more stressful than putting up with their shit. You know that breaking up with them would stir up monumental amounts of aggravation and heartache. So you suck it up. 

Well, think of anxiety as your best frenemy. You spend all day with Anxiety, listening to her spout bullshit about the way you look, the way you act, your friendships, your career and your life in general. You expend a huge amount of energy on your relationship with Anxiety, far more than you get in return. Spending time with her leaves you exhausted and tearful, wracked with uncertainty and despair, yet you just can't shake her. Anxiety is a limpet. She just won't let go. And for some reason you just can't end your relationship. You know in your heart of hearts that you'd be much better off without her, but her presence has become reassuring. Those soft whispers telling you that you're not good enough and that the sky is about to fall on your head have been your soundtrack for so long that the thought of quieting them seems too daunting. Anxiety just continues to lurk, feeding off your insecurities and reinforcing them with her 'helpful' advice, logging her opinions in her Burn Book and sharing them with you at regular intervals. In short, Anxiety is a total bitch.

Well, let me tell you something. You don't need Anxiety. It's time to put that bitch in her place. Let's face it, if a real person treated you the way Anxiety does you'd have kicked them to the kerb a long time ago. So why should this relationship be any different? 

It might seem like an insurmountable feat, but it is possible to live without being ruled by anxiety. I won't promise you 'a life free from anxiety': that little sucker is still going to stick around and rear her ugly head from time to time, but you can keep her in her place. It takes time, patience, self-love and a lot of help and it's worth every difficult moment. How you choose to do it will be personal to you and there are many avenues available to you. But it all starts with one sentence: "We need to break up".

My superpower ...

What is anxiety?

I don't think I could write a better synopsis of anxiety than Sophie Wright did in her beautiful series of sketches, so I defer to her. In a nutshell ....

All images copyright Sophie Wright. You can find Sophie's blog here:

The devil you know ...

(Charles Schultz)

It's quite normal to experience feelings of anxiety from time to time. As humans we have evolved to be able to respond to stressful situations. This 'fight or flight' response is hard-wired into us to allow us to take action in times of danger. Changes in our bodies allow us to react like a primed ninja, either tackling the danger head-on or running like the clappers in the opposite direction (more on this later). This makes complete sense and is largely why humans haven't gone the way of the dodo ("Ooooh, humans! With guns! Let's go and say hello."). But problems arise when we are constantly in a state of anxiety, either from internal worries or external pressures. This state of persistent arousal can have a detrimental effect on mental and physical health, and can create a self-fulfilling cycle of anxiety and fight-or-flight responses.

(Charles Schultz)

Anxiety disorders can be broadly categorised into seven different types, all of which are treated in differently. However, many aspects of these different disorders overlap and it's not uncommon to suffer from one or more 'type' of disorder at the same time. In my case, I suffer from GAD but I also have social phobia and when I was really ill I suffered from frequent panic attacks and mild PTSD. My head is a veritable smorgasbord of mental illness.

If you think you might be suffering from an anxiety disorder it is essential you seek help from your GP. In no way am I a medical professional, and any advice offered in this blog is purely anecdotal or research-based. Nothing beats having a doctor diagnose you properly folks! There, disclaimer over. 

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (my particular poison):

(someecards.com)

GAD is the most common form of anxiety disorder, affecting approximately 1 in 25 people in the UK (see, you're not alone!).
What it is: Uncontrollable worrying about anything and everything, all the time, forsaking all rational thought. Sleep may become but a distant memory, in favour of lying awake all night working out all your escape routes in case of a fire (this is how I spent most nights as a child, with my bag of special treasures ready packed beside my bed for a quick escape). Daily chores and activities seem mired with potential problems, to the point that it just seems easier to hide under the duvet and worry about not doing the jobs. GAD can have a massive impact on your physical wellbeing, with symptoms ranging from headaches, dizziness and sweating to inexplicable rashes and chest pain.
What it isn't: "Ooooh, I'm dreading my exam tomorrow."

Panic Disorder:

(https://66amazon.wordpress.com/2014/02/16/holy-fin-panic-attack-batman)

What it is: Recurring and debilitating frequent panic attacks, triggered by stress, anxiety or for no reason at all. Panic attacks can include a feeling of being overwhelmed with fear, as well as physical symptoms such as nausea, dizziness, sweating, trembling, numbness and trouble breathing. In extreme cases panic attacks can cause fainting, which really freaks people out when you do it in the fruit & veg aisle at Sainsburys.
What it isn't: "Shaaaaaaaaaaaark!"

Social Anxiety:

(socksloveme.tumblr.com)

What it is: Intense shyness and fear at the thought of social situations and public speaking, in front of strangers or even friends and family. The thought of doing something wrong or embarrassing, and the attendant distress, becomes all-consuming and can usually prevent sufferers from attending social functions (this distinguishes social phobia from shyness). Many people will even avoid doing 'normal' things like shopping because of the fear of what might go wrong. When I was really ill, I would spend 4 hours on the train from London to Devon worrying myself sick about whether I'd be able to open the door when it was my stop and whether people would laugh at me if I couldn't. Really.
What it isn't: "I'm really nervous about my presentation".

Agoraphobia:

(http://matahariii.deviantart.com/art/Agoraphobia-128058189)

What it is: A fear of being in a situation where escape would be impossible. This can be a phobia of leaving the safety of the house, being in a crowd, being in an open space or being in an unfamiliar place. Agoraphobia often goes hand-in-hand with Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety, and the three often create a self-fulfilling cycle. Sufferers will exhibit avoidance behaviours in order to maintain a sense of control in situations. So that corner shop 500 yards away? Yeah, I couldn't get there for nearly 6 months due to crippling agoraphobia.
What it isn't: "Urgh, I just can't be arsed to go to the Post Office".

Specific Phobias: 

(psychiclibrary.com)

What it is: Intense and often irrational fear of particular objects, people, places and situations. Phobias are closely linked to Panic Disorder and exposure to the phobia stimulus can cause extreme panic attacks, to the point that sufferers will go out of the way to avoid the object of their phobia. Common phobias include arachnophobia (fear of spiders, the long-legged bastards), trypanophobia (fear of injections, because let's face it they're bloody horrible) and ophidiophibia (fear of snakes, those slithery little fuckers). More uncommon phobias include a fear of buttons, flutes, clowns and beards. Severe phobias can have a detrimental effect on the quality of life of sufferers. 

What it isn't: "I fucking hate Justin Bieber" (this is completely normal). 

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder: 

(Paul Coombs)

What it is: An anxiety disorder precipitated by a traumatic or stressful life event. Sufferers often relive the trauma through flashbacks and dreams, and triggers associated with the event, such as loud noises, can cause extreme stress. In severe cases, PTSD can cause emotional detachment and suicidal thoughts. PTSD is commonly associated with the Armed Forces, but any traumatic life event can cause it including accidents, assault, abuse, natural disasters and severe injuries or illness. Post-partum, I experienced traumatic flashbacks following a protracted and life-threatening labour (just what the girl with GAD needed, eh?). Thank goodness for my amazing perinatal psychiatry team. 

What it isn't: "I'm still traumatised by just how bad Brad Pitt looks with a beard!"

 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: 

What it is: An anxiety disorder where the sufferer is plagued by obsessive and intrusive thoughts, which in turn cause or exacerbate compulsive behaviours. Sufferers feel that they must repeat a behaviour or mental activity to counteract the obsessive thoughts. Common compulsive behaviours include excessive handwashing, repeated checking of things and abundant cleaning. People with OCD often feel that they are limited in their ability to live a normal life, as they feel controlled and overwhelmed by the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours. 

What it isn't: "God, your house is so tidy. you must have OCD!"

If any of the above overviews are ringing bells with you then help is available. I highly recommend contacting your GP as your first port of call. A lot of information, including that above, can be found on the NHS Choices website. Other helpful organisations are:

MIND (The Mental Health Charity) 

Anxiety UK

No Panic

The Samaritans

Above all, I urge to you speak to someone. Openly admitting that you are anxious and struggling to cope is a tremendously difficult first step, but once you do you'll find that you are surrounded by people that can help. If you don't feel comfortable discussing your difficulties with friends and family, then your GP or any of the above charities will offer a friendly and compassionate ear. You can also contact me via the blog. I'm not a professional, but I've been through it and am more than happy to listen. 

Bisous xxx

The monster in the corner

So what does your frenemy look like? Anxiety can take many forms, but I think that Toby Allen perfectly captures that monster that lurks in the corner in his 'Real Monsters' series:

The full series of 'Real Monsters' can be found on Toby's blog here. To find out more about his work, read the mindyourmind interview with him here.